A Cheese Parody
by lotrluv
Summary: a parody of lord of the rings... with the Magic Cheese!
1. In the Shire

Chapter 1  
  
"lalalalalaaaaaa!"  
  
"Mr. Frodo do you hear something?"  
  
"lalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"It sounds like horribly bad singing."  
  
"LALALALALAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Now that you mention it, Sam, I do hear something."  
  
"I wonder what it could be, Mr. Frodo?"  
  
"Probably Pippin in the shower."  
  
"Why would Pippin be taking a shower at three in the morning?"  
  
"Why are we out in my garden talking at three in the morning?"  
  
"Good point."  
  
"LALALALALALALALALALALALALAAAAAAALAAAAAALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"You know what Sam, I'm going to go see who's making that racket."  
  
"Okay, Mr. Frodo, I'll just try to keep Bilbo company."  
  
"You do that, Sam."  
  
Frodo walked closer and closer to the source of the noise and then decided, "I think I'll read a book for no apparent reason."  
  
Meanwhile, Sam was trying to talk to Bilbo.  
  
"Could you tell me one of those stories of yours, Mr. Bilbo?" asked Sam.  
  
Bilbo was too busy pacing and fingering something in his pocket.  
  
"Uh, Mr. Bilbo?"  
  
"Go away, Samwise!" yelled Bilbo. "It is MINE! MY OWN! MY PRECIOUSSSSssssss..." then he coughed and wheezed and sat down in a chair.  
  
Sam squealed and ran away.  
  
Meanwhile Frodo was reading his book called Why Hobbits Don't Shave Their Armpits when he heard the bad singing again. He chose to ignore it.  
  
Gandalf, in his cart, was the source of all the bad singing. When Frodo didn't come rushing at his singing, he cleared his throat and began again.  
  
"LLLLLLAAAAAAAALAAAAAAALAAAAAAAAALLLAAAAAALLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he sang, sure that would get Frodo's attention.  
  
Frodo pretended he didn't hear a thing.  
  
Gandalf, tired and out of patience, yelled, "FRODO BAGGINS, WHEN I 'LALALALAAAAA' AT YOU I EXPECT YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT!!!!!"  
  
Frodo sighed, closed his book, then ran to Gandalf. "You're late," he commented.  
  
"Late?" asked Gandalf. "LATE??? IT IS THREE IN THE MORNING FRODO BAGGINS HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE LATE?????"  
  
"I told you to come at two-sixty."  
  
"Two-sixty... you stupid hobbit, that IS three o clock!"  
  
"No, it's two-sixty."  
  
"GAH!"  
  
"Don't you 'gah' at me, you old wizard," said Frodo, then jumped on Gandalf. "It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf!"  
  
Gandalf muttered something and pushed Frodo off of him and pulled on the reins.  
  
"What was that?" asked Frodo.  
  
Gandalf muttered again.  
  
"I did too put deodorant on this morning," said Frodo. "Just not the strong stuff."  
  
"Well I think you need it, lad," said Gandalf.  
  
Frodo pursed his lips and didn't say anything.  
  
After five minutes he said,  
  
"Did you know you've been officially labeled a disturber of the peace in the Shire?"  
  
"Why?" asked Gandalf. "Because of the incident with the dragon? I was barely involved! All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out the door."  
  
"He's not my uncle," said Frodo.  
  
"Well, then first cousin second - I mean second cousin twice -"  
  
"First and second cousin, once removed either way," said Frodo smartly.  
  
"First and second cousin, once removed either way," mocked Gandalf in a high nasal voice.  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and then said, "Hey, throw some bombs at those little kids!"  
  
"MWAHAHAHA!" said Gandalf and maniacly threw them at the little kids. Unfortunately for him, they turned out to be fireworks.  
  
"Curse those undetailed labels on the packaging," muttered Gandalf.  
  
"It's been fun, Gandalf," said Frodo, "but I must get back to reading my book for no apparent reason."  
  
And he hopped off the wagon.  
  
"Yes," muttered Gandalf. "He's gone!"  
  
Gandalf took out his Magic Cheese and took a bite out of it.  
  
"Mmm," said Gandalf as he watched the part he had bitten off of grow back. "Magic Cheese. Grows back and never gets old and moldy," then he added, "like Elrond."  
  
Walking up to the door of Bag End, he muttered, "But one wonders how the cheese achieves this. It is a marvel."  
  
He was about to knock on the door, but then decided instead to eat more cheese.  
  
"And it never gets smelly," he said with his mouth full.  
  
The door to Bag End opened and out stepped a very irritated Bilbo Baggins.  
  
"Gandalf, will you stop babbling to yourself and get in here???"  
  
Gandalf put the Magic Cheese back in his pocket and walked inside.  
  
"Right," said Gandalf. "Now, Bilbo, I must interrogate you about your Cheese."  
  
"What about my Cheese?" asked Bilbo suspiciously, fingering the Cheese in his pocket.  
  
"I have reason to believe that Magic Cheese has done something to you," said Gandalf, looking Bilbo over carefully.  
  
"Nonsense, Gandalf, I think you've had one too many drinks -"  
  
"Have you been feeling thin lately?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Gandalf, this Cheese has not made me anorexic..."  
  
"Bilbo?"  
  
"Fine," muttered Bilbo. "Yes, I have been feeling thin. And sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."  
  
"Do you need a holiday?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Heavens, no!" said Bilbo. "Why on earth would I need a -"  
  
Gandalf began waving a pocketwatch in front of Bilbo's face.  
  
"You are getting sleepy," said Gandalf, "You are falling into a deep sleep..."  
  
Bilbo's eyes snapped shut and he began snoring.  
  
"When I wake you up," said Gandalf, "You will need a holiday. A LONG holiday."  
  
Gandalf snapped his fingers and Bilbo woke up.  
  
"I need a holiday," he announced. "A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return."  
  
Gandalf grinned and patted him on the back.  
  
"Good doggie," he said. "Now go fetch."  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"MWAHAHAHA!" laughed Gandalf, and he left Bag End. 


	2. Merry and Perfume

Chapter 2 "Pippin!" yelled Merry, "Get out of the shower, we're supposed to be going to Bilbo's party!"  
"I'm not in the shower, you dope," said Pippin, coming out of his bedroom. "I was putting perfume on."  
"Excuse me?"  
"I was putting deodorant on."  
"No, you said you were putting perfume on," said Merry.  
"No I didn't," said Pippin defiantly.  
"Yes, you did," said Merry. "I heard you!"  
"You're off your rocker, Merry," said Pippin, tutting. "Let's just go to the party."  
Merry shook his head. "Yeah, sure. Whatever."  
And they headed out to Bilbo's birthday party.  
Bilbo and Gandalf were sitting on a hillside smoking.  
Bilbo blew a smoke ring, and Gandalf blew a smoke duck that swam through it.  
"This'll be a night to remember," said Bilbo.  
Later that night, during the party, Sam was freaking out, chewing his fingernails.  
"Sam, what are you doing?" asked Frodo.  
Sam continued chewing on his fingernails.  
  
"Merry," said Pippin, "You smell like perfume."  
"But I don't have any perfume on!"  
"What?"  
"Didn't you just tell me I smell like perfume?"  
"Um... no... I said you smell like onions."  
"But - what - ???"  
"Cmon, Merry, I heard Gandalf's brought his fireworks!"  
"But - but -"  
"Cmon!"  
Merry sighed and followed Pippin past Sam, who was continually chewing his fingers off.  
"Here they are!" exclaimed Pippin, and jumped up onto the pile of fireworks. He grabbed one and Merry shook his head.  
"No, no! The big one, big one!!"  
Pippin grabbed the largest firework and they ran inside the tent. Merry placed the firework on the ground and Pippin lighted it.  
"You're supposed to stick it in the ground!" yelled Merry.  
"It is in the ground!" argued Pippin.  
"Outside!" yelled Merry.  
"But it was your idea -"  
The firework went off, destroying the tent in the process. At first it was nothing more than a streak of light, which the hobbits "oohed" and "aahed" at, and then it grew bigger and bigger until it became -  
"Look, Merry!" shouted Pippin. "It's a giant bottle of perfume!"  
"It looks more like a giant bottle of rum to me..."  
"That's what I said!"  
"No you -"  
He was interrupted by the giant bottle of rum pouring itself into the lake and then exploding into a thousand tiny specks of light.  
"That was good," said Merry.  
Pippin yawned.  
Merry poked him in the elbow.  
"What? Oh yes, lets... lets... get another one..." he yawned again.  
Suddenly they were given very painful wedgies and a voice yelled, "Meriadoc Brandybuck! Peregrin Took! How dare you conjure up one of my spedecial rum fireworks?!?! You shall pay! MWAHAHAHA!"  
And, laughing like an idiot, Gandalf let down both hobbits.  
"Now," he snarled, "Drop down and give me fifty."  
Merry dropped down and did the push-ups... Pippin dropped down and picked fifty blades of grass.  
"Here you go, Gandalf," said Pippin, handing Gandalf the grass while Merry was still doing push-ups.  
"Thank you, lad," he said. "Meriadoc owes me fifty blades of grass, remember to tell him that. Do you have any idea what he's doing?"  
"No, sir," said Pippin.  
Gandalf shrugged and skipped off to find Bilbo.  
"Forty-eight... F-forty-nine... Fifty! There Gandalf, I - Gandalf?"  
Merry looked around, puzzled.  
"Merry, what were you doing?" asked Pippin. "We were supposed to pick fifty blades of grass for Gandalf, you silly perfume. You owe him." And he wandered off.  
Merry kicked at the ground furiously. Then after a few moments, he wondered aloud, "Silly perfume??" 


	3. Bilbo's Leaving

Bilbo Baggins stood upon the stump of a huge log, beaming around at his guests.  
"My good Biffles and Broffers! Gooks and Strandybugs! Rubs, Wubs, Cornblowers, Hazegirdles, and Proudsheeps"  
"Proudsheep!" an elderly hobbit corrected him.  
Bilbo promptly turned himself around and waved his buttocks at the hobbit.  
There was much yelling and nose-holding.  
Suddenly, Gandalf the Gray broke into song.  
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts"  
He began to lift up his shirt but, thankfully, Frodo had chosen that time to jump on him.  
"Psst, Gandalf!" he yelled into Gandalf's ear. "I think you're incredibly unsexy"  
Gandalf harumffed and shook the hobbit off him.  
"You do not know to whom you speak, master hobbit," he said haughtily.  
"Yes I do," said Frodo, "You're Gandalf the Gay - I mean, Gray"  
Suddenly Bilbo began to rap.  
"Yo yo, my homies, I'm leavin ya today so make sure you've got them tears ready to spill! Yo, I'm like so tired man, of this stiffling hobbit band, I think I'll jet"  
And with that, Bilbo disappeared with a poof of purple smoke.  
"Jets, Jets, Jets!" shouted one of the hobbits, beginning to dance around and snap his fingers.  
"The Sharks are better!" yelled another angrily.  
"No, Jets!" said yet another.  
"Sharks!" said another.  
"Jets!"  
"Sharks!"  
"Jets!"  
"Sharks!"  
"JETS!"  
"SHARKS!"  
And while this whole riot was going on, Gandalf slipped stealthily out of the party.  
"Muahaha now I shall go and scare Bilbo out of his wits," he said to himself, grinning drunkenly... for he had had a bit too much ale at the party.  
He quietly slipped inside Bilbo's house, spotted the hobbit dancing around like an idiot, and pulled out a noose.  
"I NOOSE YOU!" he yelled, attempting to throw the noose around Bilbo's neck, but missing and ending up noosing his leg.  
"NOOOOOO!" he shouted, jumping up and down, trying to get his noose off. "You - filthy ... bad aim ... mumble mumble ... sharks ... mumble mumble ... rapping hobbits ... mumble mumble "  
Finally managing to get the noose off his leg, he stood up and put his hands on his hips. "And WHERE do you think YOU are going with that CHEESE?" he demanded, grabbing Bilbo by the shoulder. "Hmmmmm"  
Bilbo, genuinely startled, gaped and muttered incoherently.  
"Hmmm?" Gandalf asked, holding his hand up to his ear.  
"I said it's right there, on the mantlepiece!" Bilbo said loudly.  
Gandalf walked over to the mantlepiece.  
"AAAAGH! MY EYES"  
A large flashlight was turned on, and Gandalf was staring straight into it.  
"MWAHAHAHA!" yelled Bilbo gleefully, and, taking all his stuff, ran out the door. He did not realize until it was too late that he'd dropped his cheese. 


End file.
